Uncertainties

Hi Jesus.  I know it’s been a long time since I’ve spent quality time with you.   I rather fall asleep than stay in deep meditation on spiritual things.  I’m really grateful for my students, Lord.  They are so amazing, I am shocked.  At the same time, I know I am not the teacher I should be to my students.  I have so much encouragement and support from colleagues, I don’t know what to do with it.  I get on a high and forget that I have to work up to becoming an effective teacher rather than assuming it.  I know that I have to take risks but without your light shining, it would be dangerous.  I want to follow the way, the truth and the life.  Be joy incarnate in me.  Give me something to share with others.  Help me not be selfish nor self-centered, but help me be successful by putting others first.  Help me love.  Help me to communicate your words of kindness, healing and encouragement.  Help me know how much to invest and when to refocus on Christ.  Jesus.  My Savior.  And Friend.  Help me know to laugh at myself rather than others.  Help me be critical of myself rather than the system.  Help me exemplify Jesus in my life rather than depending on others first.  Help me prioritize how to manage my time rather than controlling humans.  Help me know the difference.  Jesus, I want to focus my heart and body and soul to the One who understands and listens to my cares.  I want to know you.

These last three days has been like a dream.  I woke up 5am Monday, knowing I should pray for my first day as a “real teacher,” but went back to sleep till 6am.  Literally a dream.  Tuesday, I had to work without technology which was a blessing in disguise but the perfectionist nature of our school kept me a little frustrated.  My bad.  I didn’t prepare much for today (Wed), which made class kind of a drag.  I think my negative perception of self from a history of failure and depression is keeping me from maximizing the support and care I receive from staff.  Lord, it’s like biting into a rotten apple.